Chapter 4 of 6
Sirius talk
Remus was delighting himself in a mug of hot chocolate. In a few days it would be the full moon again and Remus was a tad bitter about not being able to spend Christmas with Harry because of that. He jumped out of his skin a spilled a bit of chocolate when the portrait door opened and revealed a furious Harry. Remus waved his wand cleaning the chocolate while Harry stalked to him and growled angry:
“You lied to me!”
“Excuse me? No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did you never told me who Black was! What he did! You said you were my parents close friend. There was no way you didn’t know!”
The blood drained from Remus face and he gulped painfully. He put the mug down and got up shakily walking towards Harry. He grabbed Harry by the shoulders but the boy wasn’t looking at him, he had a firm defiant scowl on him that was between anger and hurt and was hugging himself. Remus pulled Harry’s chin to him and said:
“I’m sorry. I …I wanted to protect you from being hurt…I wanted to protect myself from being hurt…” Remus said lost, “He was one of my best friends, I thought I knew him, I though he’d never betray us. Remember when I told you about Andromeda, his cousin. I thought he was like her, that he had walked away from all that his family believed and we all paid too high a price for believing him.”
Harry nodded and Remus could see his eyes had an odd shine to them that told him he was holding back tears, “One day, I’ll tell you my story and you’ll understand how important my friends were for me,” If he ever had the guts to tell Harry about Moony, “You’ll understand that the night your parents died I lost everything I held dear to me. I lost James, Lily, Peter and Sirius because I learned the Sirius that I loved so much never existed,” at Harry’s shocked look he said. “I did Harry and so did your father. We would have died for him. That night I lost you too. Dumbledore sent you away and didn’t tell me where.”
“That’s why you never visited?” Harry said softly and Remus nodded. He saw something in Harry’s eyes on that simple phrase, longing, and a desperate hope.
“Harry,” Remus said firmly. He knew this wasn’t why the boy had come but he had an opening. “Do they hurt you?”
Harry shook his head firmly and tried to get out of Remus hold but Remus thought it was more in denial of the situation than an actual answer. “Harry you have to tell me. I can’t help if you don’t. We can tell Dumbledore, he can alert the authorities and you’ll be out of there.”
“No, I won’t! That doesn’t work!” Harry cried as he finally managed to break free and Remus was left with seeing him run away. What had he meant by that doesn’t work?
Hermione and Ron where a little weirded out by the fact that Harry had not mentioned what they had learned about Black once. He had shut himself in his four poster bed and only reemerged the next day as if nothing had happened. They had gone to visit Hagrid and had started helping him on Buckbeak’s case. Hermione tried to talk about Black a few times but Harry just answered.
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
And if that wasn’t enough they were now sitting in the middle of a teacher, a teacher’s, quarter having tea. Since when did teachers invite students to their quarters for tea?
“So,” Lupin said pleasantly. “You two and Harry have been best friends for a while now.”
“Yes,” Hermione answered as she glanced at Ron asking silently for answers.
“How well do you know about Harry’s home life?”
“Excuse me?” Ron asked bewildered.
Lupin put down his tea cup on the coffee table between them and sighed. “I don’t know if Harry told you, but I was good friends with his father.”
“He mentioned, yes,” Hermione said. “That’s why he comes visit you.”
“Yes, well. I happen to know Petunia Dursley a little and have concerns about their treatment of Harry. If I had some proof maybe I could act and get Harry a better living arrangement.”
“You mean get Harry out of the Dursleys?” Ron said eagerly. “Really? You could do that. Because they are awful. Second year they were starving him and me and my brothers had to pull bars off his window. We told mum but she didn’t believe us. She thought we were trying to get away from punishment.”
Ron could swear he saw Lupin frown.
“Well, I thought that maybe, if we can prove Harry is in danger there he could live with someone else. Someone that would care for him,” and Ron thought there was a little longing in Lupin’s voice. “But Harry has to talk and I haven’t been able to make him-“
“But you can’t take Harry,” Hermione said bluntly and Ron goggled at her.
“Of course he can Hermione! He wants to take care of Harry! You know, take care instead of starve!”
“No, I mean- er-“ Ron was astounded. Hermione was blushing and at a loss for words. “I though the ministry won’t let Professor Lupin take him.”
“That’s why we have to prove they are hurting Harry. So he can,” Ron said tiredly and quite weirded out by Hermione of all people not understanding. He was so focused on her that he missed Lupin tensing and narrowing his eyes at Hermione in suspicion.
“I wasn’t thinking of myself Hermione,” Lupin said calmly. “I was actually thinking that there will sure be people that would be better choices than the Dursleys.”
“Yeah, my parents for example,” Ron said proudly.
Lupin smiled at Ron and continued, “So, do you to think you can tell me anything?”
Hermione looked at Ron, “Well, Harry was never specific, at least not to me. He just says he doesn’t like them.”
“He told me he lived in a cupboard, and never got gifts or new clothes but then he told me that that wasn’t because they were poor. That his cousin gets spoiled rotten, and they do live in a nice neighborhood.”
“Yes, and even if they didn’t have money I know for a fact that James and Lily’s will granted whoever took Harry in quite a generous allowance that would be able to provide comfortably to all four of them alone. That added to Vernon’s paycheck and they are quite well off,” Lupin said and Ron fumed at the thought that the Dursleys were enjoying Harry’s money while Harry got nothing.
“Like I said, in second year we had to rescue him because he wasn’t answering our letters. He was locked in, his door had a cat flap and there were bars in his window. And I’m quite sure they were starving him. He didn’t verify that. After that first chat on the train where Harry told me about his life he never went so deep again.”
“Why?” Lupin asked. “What changed?”
“Maybe he saw what everyone expected from him and got embarrassed,” Hermione said. “A lot of people thought he would have been pampered. Professor Snape says it all the time. So maybe he got embarrassed that he was the opposite and just shut up.”
“Yeah, remember how Malfoy made fun of him for not going home on our first year?” Ron said.
“Harry might have told Ron that first time because he was used to people knowing everything but then he got to a place where they didn’t know the details and had friends and he just preferred to let them still be that way,” Hermione said and blushed. “I did.”
“What?” Lupin asked worried. “Hermione, do you have any problems-“
“No,” she hastened to say. “My parents are great. But, well, I always made strange things happen and I like to study, so the kids at school were mean, and I didn’t have friends. When I came here I thought everything would be the same and then I had friends and stopped being the freaky know-it-all. I know this doesn’t compare to what Harry goes through, but last year, after we went to Diagon Alley Mr. Weasley wanted to get together at my home and I really did everything for that not to happen because I was scared Ron and Harry would meet the kids from my neighborhood and know how they treated me. Mum and dad talked to later and made me realize I was being foolish, but, well” she shrugged. “That was how I felt at the time.”
“We wouldn’t care,” Ron said defensively and winced internally because he had been mean to Hermione for being a know-it-all.
“I know,” she smiled. “But I was embarrassed.”
“And maybe Harry is too,” Lupin mused. “Good work Hermione. Maybe we have to approach this in a different way. Let him know we don’t think any less of him because of how he is treated.” He leaned forward and said seriously, “I need you to start working on him slowly but steadily. He has to say something before the year is out or else he’ll go back to the Dursleys.”
Ron and Hermione nodded firmly. They rose and Hermione smiled to Lupin, “Thanks Professor Lupin.”
Remus had a lot to think tonight. He tapped his tail on the rug rhythmically as he replayed the conversation he had with Harry’s friends. That made sense. From all he learned Harry had seemed to gain his evasive ways after he started Hogwarts. Since he had been secretive since starting Hogwarts Remus didn’t understand why Harry would change once he got here but Hermione was right.
Hermione, she was a problem. Remus thought she might be one to realize his secret but now he was sure she knew. He just hoped she kept quiet. She didn’t seem to be irked by him and was trying to help him, so maybe she didn’t care. He fell asleep imagining taking Harry to live with him in his cottage, given that the cottage would still be standing up, he didn’t like the sound of the crash he heard the last time he Flooed Tonks to make sure everything was fine, and why the hell did Kingsley answer the call?
The next morning he woke in his bed once again and once again was mortified at the thought of either Poppy or Albus tending to him while he was naked. He had yet to muster the courage to ask which one had done that and neither gave him any hint. He just tried to go back to sleep the rest of Christmas day off.
“Hey there kitty,” Sirius smiled as Crookshanks trotted towards the bed at the Shrieking Shack trailing a huge piece of roasted turkey with his mouth. “What do you have there?” he said as he patted the cat’s head and took the turkey leg. He took a bite and said through a full mouth, “Thanks.” He munched a little and regarded the cat. “So, did Harry like his present?”
The cat seemed to nod and jumped out of the bed, turned a little on the spot and laid down. “Good,” Sirius smiled satisfied. “I went to see Moony again today. I know, I know, that’s risky. Don’t look at me like that! But I couldn’t help myself.” Sirius smiled as he remembered putting his Moony to bed. “We gotta find you a name kitty, because it’s mental enough of me to be talking to a cat, but to an unnamed cat at that!”
Crookshanks just ignored Sirius who continued eating his chicken leg and started regaling Crookshanks with the tale of the Marauder’s Christmas both at Hogwarts, at the Potter’s and once at Lupin’s cottage.
“And Mrs. Lupin sure knew how to cook! That she did!’
“Yes, you always did say that. One would think you didn’t appreciate my cooking,” a stern voice came from the door. Sirius jumped a mile high and landed on o crouch on the bed in a good position to flee.
“Honestly, don’t act like that,” a tall, elegant, witch with long black hair and an aristocratic face huffed as she waved her wand and conjured a table. With another wave of her wand a tablecloth flew from the basket she was carrying and a sumptuous dinner was set on the table. The woman scrutinized Sirius and pursed her lips putting her hands on her hips. “This won’t do at all Sirius. Being on the run is no excuse for being a slob.” She once again pointed her wand at Sirius who raised his unarmed arms in protection and she cast a Scourgify on him. With another wave of her wand his matted hair became clean and brushed, tied back at the nape of his neck. Sirius looked astounded.
“Andy?” he asked unsure and for the first time the woman smiled a warm smile and opened her arms in invitation. More than a little bewildered Sirius accepted the invitation and threw himself at his cousin’s arms hugging her firmly his body racking in sobs.
“I didn’t do it,” he pleaded.
“Sh, Siri. I know. I’ve always known. Shh,” she said as she smoothed his hair. She kissed his forehead and looked back down at him. “You look like you need a good meal.”
“Kitty brought me food,” he mumbled but he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t starved for the first decent meal in twelve years.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t eat something a cat brought you,” Andromeda rolled her eyes and pretended not to hear when Sirius said he had worse. She ushered him to the table and drew two chairs. She watched as he ate with gusto but noticed he didn’t eat much. She swallowed her anger at the knowledge that her favorite cousin had to have been used to so little food for years that he wasn’t able to eat more without making himself sick. When he looked apologetic she waved him off.
“I didn’t think you would eat everything. I charmed the basket to preserve the food so you still have food for a while. There is more in there and we can put all that is left here at the table there too. I don’t want to come often in case I attract attention. It took me this long to be able to go anywhere without being followed by an Auror. I am afraid I made my opinion about your guilt too well known.”
“How did you find me?”
Andromeda gave him a shrewd look and snorted, “You are being a tad obvious Sirius. It’s a miracle no one else thought of this place. I know at least three people at Hogwarts alone who know what this place means for you.”
Sirius nodded. After he had been sorted into Gryffindor his mother had sent him a Howler and Dumbledore a letter letting them know that she would not be handling any problems Sirius caused. Yes, he was still supported by his parents, after all they wouldn’t have him soiling the family name even more by being a charity case. But his parents had promptly ignored him. At home it was like he was invisible. Andromeda had volunteered to deal with any school related situations and she had always been the one to receive notice of Sirius misconducts, including the Whomping Willow incident which led into her having to be appraised of Remus’ condition.
“Moony didn’t come here for the full moons,” Sirius said vacantly.
“He must be taking the Wolfsbane potion,” Andromeda nodded thoughtfully and at her cousin’s blank look decided to explain how the potion worked. She saw him smile for the first time at the thought of the boy he didn’t think she knew he loved having such a relief. She shook her thoughts away, they aren’t boys anymore, they are men, hurt men.
“Nymphadora is renting his cottage,” Andromeda said disdainfully. “Humph, she wants to be independent. As if I smothered her or anything.”
“Dora, little Dora is living alone?” Sirius asked shocked.
“Exactly my thoughts! Living alone! Being an Auror! Getting herself into danger-“
“AUROR! Little Dora is old enough to be an Auror! Little Dora who called Remus her chocolate frog prince after she got hurt and he helped her and gave her a chocolate frog while me and James laughed at her clumsiness is an AUROR! Little Dora who I made fun of for her childish and quite useless crush is old enough to be an Auror!”
“Well,” Andromeda shrugged as if the admission was painful, “She is twenty, almost twenty-one. But I say she is still too young to-“
“I’m old…” Sirius moaned burying his head in his hands. Andromeda stood up, walked to him kneeling next to him and rubbed his back. She knew his moan was more than vanity. The world kept going, people still aged and grew up and he had missed them all. He missed most of Dora’s and Harry’s life. Andromeda remembered how devoted Sirius was to his godson.
“I tried getting custody of him,” she said quietly and she knew Sirius knew who he was.
He looked at her, “I found him at Petunia’s. I wanted to see him once. He was running away. He was so angry. He looked like he had no idea what the hell he was going to do or where to go but was damn sure of where he did not want to be. I know that look. I know how that feels.”
Andromeda rested her head on his shoulder and gave him a grim smile, she knew how that felt too. She squeezed him and then got up. “I have to go before Ted starts noticing my absence and decides to call my friends only to find out I went nowhere. I said I was visiting Elizabeth while he and Dora are at his parents. I also have to grill Dora. I know she is seeing someone but she won’t tell me who,” Andromeda finished in an affronted tone and Sirius smiled. He got up and hugged her. “I put some of your clean clothes in the basket too. Most of your things are with me. I took them home when I closed your flat. I also put a spare wand there. It’s Uncle Orion’s that I got from Grimmauld.”
“Thanks,” he said hoarsely.
“I couldn’t find your bike.”
“Hagrid has it,” Sirius said. “That is, if he didn’t destroy my bike in rage. Hagrid can be a tad emotional.”
She kissed his cheek once again and brushed a tear off. “Take care Siri. I’ll try to see you again. Or at least send you food.”
Only after she left he noticed that she never did ask for an explanation of what happened and Sirius smiled. Andromeda did truly believe him. He went to the basket and with his clothes he found a mirror he smiled again at his cousin. She was definitely sneaky.
“Andy!” he called.
Andromeda’s face appeared, “Not now Siri, I’m almost at my in-laws. Tonight I’ll call you when I am in my study and can take notes and you’ll give me all the details I need for your defense.”
“Will do. Love you Andy.”
“I love you too Siri.”
“A Firebolt? No I didn’t give him a Firebolt? I couldn’t afford a Firebolt! I didn’t give him anything, I know that’s against the rules!”
McGonagall sighed and sat down on Remus’ couch, “I know, I just thought maybe you decided to go against the rules, after all, you always did regard him as almost your nephew. I remember you wanting to take him in-“
“Yeah, instead you and Albus dumped him at the Dursleys…” he shut up at a scolding glare from his former Head of House and sat down.
“Do you know who could have sent him such a gift?”
Remus looked at her and understood her worries, “I only know one person with interest in Harry that would think a Firebolt is a great gift and would have the means to buy one.”
“And would know the broom would be too much of a temptation, wouldn’t they?”
“But he can’t just waltz in Diagon Alley and buy one,” Remus argued.
“No, but Gringotts won’t stop him from accessing his vaults and he could owl order in some way,” Minerva said. “We’ll have to test the broom. Better not take any chances.”
“Albus didn’t-“
“No,” she said sternly. “He knows better than breaking the rules like that.”
Remus snorted but covered up with a cough.
“I’ll help test the broom. If Black did send it, he was just plain cruel with Harry.”
Why? Why? Why? Why had he agreed to teach Harry the Patronus charm?
If reliving bad memories wasn’t enough, Remus’ heart almost stopped every time Harry fainted. What was he doing to his cub? But Harry was so determined to keep going. Just like Lily. People usually said James was the stubborn one, but you couldn’t beat Lily. The difference was that she had such a good girl’s face that no one realized she had a head harder than concrete.
Remus munched on his chocolate and sighed. For years he had imagined how things had gone down that night. Now he knew and everything just fit. It was so like James to sacrifice himself to stall Voldemort and give Harry and Lily time to flee. He so wished they had been able to. And Lily, dear Lily. How could anyone think such a lioness would do any different than stand and defend her cub? Taking another bite Remus watched the fire. Why did you do that to them Siri? He thought. Why?
“Don’t you think he deserves it? For what he did to my parents? For what he did to you?” Harry asked Remus over his Butterbeer. They had just finished the last Patronus lesson before the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match and had been discussing Dementors when he stupidly had brought up the headline he read that morning. The headline that had made his blood freeze and his heart stop. “Sirius Black sentenced to the Dementor’s kiss.”
“I don’t know if anyone deserves that fate Harry,” he answered slowly and Harry nodded thoughtfully. But he wasn’t being honest. Even though he wanted to hate Sirius he hadn’t managed to and he couldn’t bear the thought of him dieing or loosing his soul. Somewhere deep down he still had the foolish hope that someone would tell him that there had been a terrible misunderstanding and Sirius was innocent. And if Sirius died that hope would die too and he didn’t know how to live without that.
Great Remus! Just bloody great of you! Remus berated himself while glaring at the old piece of parchment that he had tossed on top of the coffee table at his quarters. He knew that he should have told Harry he was one of the Marauders. After all, Harry wasn’t stupid and he knew that the password to his quarters was the same one that opened the map. But he hadn’t had the guts to risk Harry understanding what his nickname meant.
And then he had been quite harsh using Lily’s and James’ deaths to guilt trip Harry. He, better than anyone knew that at Harry’s age one thought oneself invulnerable. Hadn’t he and his friends gone out on full moon’s nights thinking nothing could happen? Harry had just been acting his age. He probably thought he was in no danger whatsoever. But when he realized Harry had left the relative and quite questionable safety of the castle he just lost it.
But honestly, not even a week ago Si-Black had entered the castle and been so close to Harry, just feet away from him. Remus shivered at the thought of what could have happened. He had been startled from his thoughts on seeing Prongs galloping through the Quidditch pitch at the Gryffindor X Ravenclaw game and the deep longing for his fallen friend that had been reawakened that afternoon when the alarm sounded and all teachers started sweeping the castle again. He canvassed the castle with his heart in his mouth and having to restrain himself from running to Gryffindor Tower to check every inch of Harry or punching Snape for his comments and his suspicious and not one bit covert glares. He did go to the tower and checked on Harry who was awake with all the other Gryffindors under the excuse of accompanying McGonagall to give them news.
Harry probably hates him right now and will never open up to him. He already had a hard time getting him to talk. He snorted. Hard time, he hadn’t managed to get him to talk. He obviously didn’t buy Harry’s “I’m fine with everything that happened to me” and he certainly did not manage to get Harry to talk about the Dursleys. The year was drawing to an end and he had no idea how to help Harry short of kidnapping him and taking him to his cottage. He rubbed his temples to ward off a headache and glared at the Marauder’s Map as if it had insulted him somehow and then he laughed as he remembered the only bright spot on this crappie afternoon and grabbed the map to read once again the insults to Snape that were still etched there.
“Miss Granger,” Remus asked Hermione when she found her at the library. “Have you and Ron made any progress?”
Hermione’s eyes widened and her mouth went in an ‘o’, “Hum, er- you see Professor, there was a fight, and the broom and Scabbers dying and then Buckbeak being sentenced and we had to start looking for an appeal, and… no…” she finished lamely.
“I see,” he said sitting down. “I heard about the fight. Harry did feel bad about fighting with you because of a broom but boys at that age aren’t the most sensitive of people.”
Hermione shrugged sheepishly, “I’m glad you all made up. But I really need you two to bust up his confidence. I tried to broach the subject again, making it clear I don’t think any less of him but he is one sneaky little bugger.”
Hermione nodded and promised they would get right into it, but right now Remus was thinking they would need a miracle to get Harry away from his relatives. Especially since Harry had at first avoided him right after the map incident until Remus had held him after class and asked why he stopped going to his quarters. Harry had shrugged, mumbled and stared at his shoes. Remus had laid a gentle hand on his shoulders and said softly.
“Because you made one mistake Harry, doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends anymore. I know you won’t risk your life again. I might have been a little harsh but you must understand I was worried. I love you Harry. And don’t want anything to happen to you.”
Harry’s head had snapped up so fast Remus didn’t know how it didn’t come right off.
“You do?” he had asked shocked.
“Since you were born cub. Since you were born. I explained to you why I wasn’t around before. But now that I found you again I won’t let lose you ever again. You can always count on me for anything. No matter what. You can tell me anything Harry.” he finished staring straight into Harry’s eyes. And though their tea’s resumed Harry did not change his slippery way of changing the subject.